rooted and grounded in love.

Mama “C” gave us the most precious gift we could ever receive; and so many times we find ourselves feeling incapable of fully thanking her for the gift of love she gave our family- Emmarie. We hope that this small token of love might provide her with comfort and solace this holiday season. I can only imagine the absence of a birth child during the holidays- the pain resurfaces, fueling intense sadness and loneliness. About a week ago, I emailed mama “C” asking her if she was comfortable sharing her address with us; that we had a Christmas gift we’d like to send her. Unsure if she’d be willing to share that, I also told her if she wasn’t comfortable with the idea that I was sure Choosing Hope would help get the package to her. We received a response the same day. She sent us her address! She thanked us for remembering her this Christmas season. As I’ve spent the last month or so thinking about what we might give to her, I kept coming back to peace. Peace doesn’t mean to be...

Some days we’re winning and some days, we’re not necessarily losing, we’re just not winning. After work, I washed up baby bottles, prepared bottles for the evening, got the formula all measured up. I even managed to get the diaper bag ready for the day tomorrow, prepare lunches for work, and got one load of three, folded. This doesn’t happen every day. It used to, though. I used to seem to have it all together- before Emmarie came along. I always stayed on top of laundry, and things around the house. The grocery list was always up to date, and our fridge, and cabinets- always full of food. I always felt like I was doing well. Nowadays, laundry happens less often, and the fridge; well, it always seems to be empty. I snap at my husband more; and it’s always over the silliest things. I think back on it later, and feel terrible for not being nicer to him. He really does do a great job. He shares in everything; dishes, laundry, dinner, helping with Emmarie. He’s one in a million...

I don’t remember a lot from before I was born, but I do remember you getting very sick. I do remember I got very sick too. I remember them telling you that you had me in your tummy, and you were surprised, you weren’t expecting me. I remember them giving us medicine to make us better. I know they told you it would be a couple days. I would probably come early. It was three days, and we found out my birthday would be on Tuesday, November 14th. I know you were scared. I know you had big decisions to make. And I know you prayed a lot about those big decisions. I remember you talking to a lot of people about making a plan for me. I remember you being sad, and crying. And then scared, and crying. The people you talked to were very nice. And I know you had a lot of questions. When I was born I know you cried. You learned about adoption, and I know that was scary and I know that made you cry. I knew you loved me. And I know you cared. That’s why you were making these very big, very hard...

I remember this time last year just as if it were yesterday. It was a Thursday night, and we received a call about an adoption situation; a little boy was surrendered at the hospital by his parents. They felt they were unable to parent him because of a diagnosis of Down syndrome. The baby was in Florida, and the agency handling the situation had no families will to take him, because of his diagnosis. The agency reached out to a Consulting Agency, who got in contact with Choosing Hope. Our phone rang, and Angela was providing details, emailing over information and pictures. And finally, we were in touch with this adoption agency in Florida. Very soon after talking with Angela, we were on the phone with someone in Florida. We were given many details, and I remember the very last detail, it hit us like a ton of bricks. Thirty-thousand dollars. My heart sank. I knew we barely had half of that. Immediately my head spoke before I allowed my heart; it just wouldn’t be possib...

One year ago today I wrote a blog post titled “Six Months." On June 15, 2017 Kevin and I had officially been a waiting family for six months. Today, exactly one year later, we have a seven month old daughter. My mind sometimes just doesn’t quite comprehend that this is real life. The first line of that blog post reads: It’s not that we love waiting; it’s that we love the one we are waiting for. That was a truth that God had given us – it’s the little bit of hope we had to hold onto. Gosh, waiting was hard, but if it meant waiting on the little one He had planned for us, we would do it. Little did we know that at that time, the birth mother who would choose us just 5 months later, she was carrying our daughter. Emmarie would have been in her birth mama’s womb for approximately 2 months this time last year. And they, they were states away. Birth mama “C” is from Alabama. We weren’t even in the same state. If someone would have told me that the woman who would choose us...

This time of the year has always been hard for me; Mother’s Day itself, and the days and weeks leading up to Mother’s Day. Each year I found myself struggling to face the day. I would find myself digging into a dark place where my inadequacy was staring me straight in the face. I found myself angry with God; the same God who in the beginning of my marriage, assured me that he placed Kevin and I together for a reason. And although He knew my desires to have a family, promised me that He had a plan. Every Mother’s Day I was angry and sad: angry because I would never have the honor of being a mama, sad because deep down, it hurt. And I’ve never blamed Kevin. He told me from the very start that he was unable to have any more children. I knew going into this that I had a choice, and I chose to trust God. The same God who I questioned and cried to because I wanted nothing more than to be a mama. Kevin and I explored many options in the beginning of our marriage, and even talked abo...

The words "open adoption" seem terrifying. They did to us anyways. An open adoption? Wouldn't that mean opening our home, giving the birth family a glimpse into our lives and sharing personal information about us? That's not only what we thought, but what so many people perceive about open adoption. Throughout our adoption journey, we read books, and were educated on what an open adoption can look like and the reasoning behind why open adoption is so important. Kevin and I knew going into this that one day a birth mother, and maybe a birth family (birth mom and birth dad) would choose us. She would look at a profile book, and based upon the pictures we included in our profile, and information about ourselves we shared with them; choose us based on just that profile book. Sure they could ask our agency additional questions about us, or want to meet us before making their decision. But the point is, she-birth mom, or they-birth mom and birth dad; they said yes to ...

I’ve sat down many days to write, and I found myself sitting there staring at a blank screen. The words, they just wouldn’t come. The desire to write has been there, I have so much I want to say, but something's been holding me back. It’s been nearly three months since I’ve shared my heart with you. I feel a lot of it has to do with me settling in to my new role as mama to sweet Emmarie, and finding a balance between work, home, being a wife, and being a mama to our sweet girl. Motherhood is everything I dreamed it would be and so much more. As a child growing up, I dreamed of having a family of my own; I imagined having children, I thought of what it would be like to be a wife, and a mom. I wondered where we might live, what I might do for a living, and I pictured what I thought my life would become. So many times we paint a picture of what we think life will look like, but most of the time, it’s not at all what we thought it would be. And my life today, I could have ...