when the words won't come...

I’ve sat down many days to write, and I found myself sitting there staring at a blank screen. The words, they just wouldn’t come. The desire to write has been there, I have so much I want to say, but something's been holding me back.

It’s been nearly three months since I’ve shared my heart with you. I feel a lot of it has to do with me settling in to my new role as mama to sweet Emmarie, and finding a balance between work, home, being a wife, and being a mama to our sweet girl.

Motherhood is everything I dreamed it would be and so much more. As a child growing up, I dreamed of having a family of my own; I imagined having children, I thought of what it would be like to be a wife, and a mom. I wondered where we might live, what I might do for a living, and I pictured what I thought my life would become.

So many times we paint a picture of what we think life will look like, but most of the time, it’s not at all what we thought it would be. And my life today, I could have never dreamed it would be what it’s become.

This May, Kevin and I will be married for thirteen years. In the beginning we talked about having a family together, but we knew it wasn’t a possibility. We navigated through fertility treatments in the early years of our marriage, which were unsuccessful; and then we found ourselves to be happy and content with our little family together, and thought, Lord, you knew our lives would be knit together, you know the plans you have for us, and we will wait, we will wait for you.

Only the Lord could orchestrate such a beautiful story. I find myself daily looking back at our adoption journey in amazement. And really, our life as a whole. I think of the days we questioned God, because there were days we did. We just did. It was so hard to understand some of the difficult adoption situations we found ourselves faced with. Some days I wondered if we were really strong enough to be traveling this road we were on. But looking back now, each “no” we were faced with, each hard day, the waiting we endured, they were all worth it, because He had something else planned for us. And that was Emmarie.

I am so thankful for what the Lord has done in our lives. It all started back in 2003 when I first met Kevin. Not even then did I know what my future would truly hold. I was still in High School. Kevin, an alcoholic and drug addict. He was going through a divorce, and was really at the end of his rope, barely hanging on.

2004 brought a breath of fresh air; Kevin completed a one year discipleship program that October, and had been sober and drug free for 365 days. We had begun a friendship in July 2004, and little did we know, the Lord had bigger plans for our lives than just a friendship. We were faced with a lot of opposition, though. Kevin was 39. Me, I was 19, and just graduated High School. My parents, not happy; not happy at all. Everyone was great about telling me why it wouldn’t work, telling me that Kevin had a past. That I need to wait to experience life a little bit before jumping into this, especially with a drug addict and alcoholic. But when I looked at Kevin, I saw past that. I didn’t see a drug addict or alcoholic. I saw a broken man, who had just found God, who needed someone to love him for him. He needed someone to see beyond what he used to be. Sure, he had only been sober and drug free for nearly a year when our friendship begun, but I saw something in him. He no longer wanted those titles or that life he used to live. And so I prayed, and prayed. And I prayed some more. Kevin did the same. And we found that the Lord put us in front of each other for a reason.

May 2005 we were married, and what a journey it’s been since then.

Before we met, and even when we did, the Lord was writing our story. And I am so thankful for that. Even then, He knew that adoption would become a part of our lives, He knew that mama “C” would become a part of our story, and our family. Even before Emmarie was formed in her mother’s womb, He knew that she would become ours.

It’s amazing to me. Simply amazing. Our lives do not belong to us, they belong to Him; and if we allow Him to do what He has planned to do, oh how beautiful it will all become.

Our story is unique; our story isn’t like anyone else’s. It’s ours. He gave it to us, He’s trusted us with it, and if it weren’t for Him, none of this beautiful life we have would even be.

I feel so undeserving, but so grateful. My life, our life together, it is beautiful; even in the hard stuff.

And speaking of hard stuff, we are going through some hard stuff. I truly believe its Satan on the attack. He is fully aware of all the good that’s taken place in our lives, and he is out to destroy. But we’re not going to allow that. I have put my foot down, and made it very clear, that was the Lord has brought together, no one will tear apart.

Satan attacks in many different ways, he has many different tactics and schemes that he uses against God’s people. It can come in the form of financial burden, or through family, and friends. We have to always be aware, and be prepared.

I had to completely leave social media for a little bit. I completely deactivated my Facebook, I removed everything from Instagram. And I thought fine, if my family is going to be attacked, then I will block everyone from getting in. I'll close us in, and protect us.

But then I thought, no. Satan you are not going to keep me from sharing the good that's happening in our lives, the amazing things that the Lord is doing for Emmarie. I now am choosing to separate myself from those causing harm, and I will continue to share what the Lord is doing for us. So many of you look forward to seeing her beautiful face, and hearing about the good things taking place.

We are okay, we are just fine. And it’s all going to be okay. We have faced opposition before, and so this is nothing new. In fact, we’ve been down this road before. The good part is, God knows how this ends. He’s right there beside us, and He’s not going anywhere.

Just keep us in your prayers.

Now, a little update on our beautiful Emmarie:

Emmarie weighed in yesterday at 11lbs. 10oz. The nutritionist we met with said:
This is Emmarie? It says here she was 2lbs 7.5oz at birth.

I said, yes, that’s correct.

The nutritionist looked up again, and said:
Well, she is measuring in length right where she should for her age. And her weight, she is almost average for a four month old.

I smiled, and said, yes, I know. Trust me, I know. We hear this all the time, it’s unbelievable how well she is doing. We attribute it fully to the Lord, the love and prayers!

Emmarie is such a beautiful, happy, sweet girl. She is the light of our lives, and we can’t imagine life without her. Our adoption will be final in May. We have secured an attorney to represent us, and are looking forward to what is ahead!

Thank you for being a part of our lives, and a part of our journey. The prayers, the encouragement, love and support you’ve given have helped make this journey easier. We are thankful for you, and we pray that your life is as blessed as our lives have been because you are in it <3

Love,

Kevin, Amber & Emmarie