This time of the year has always been hard for me; Mother’s
Day itself, and the days and weeks leading up to Mother’s Day. Each year I
found myself struggling to face the day. I would find myself digging into a
dark place where my inadequacy was staring me straight in the face. I found
myself angry with God; the same God who in the beginning of my marriage, assured
me that he placed Kevin and I together for a reason. And although He knew my
desires to have a family, promised me that He had a plan.
Every Mother’s Day I was angry and sad: angry because I
would never have the honor of being a mama, sad because deep down, it hurt. And
I’ve never blamed Kevin. He told me from the very start that he was unable to
have any more children. I knew going into this that I had a choice, and I chose
to trust God. The same God who I questioned and cried to because I wanted
nothing more than to be a mama.
Kevin and I explored many options in the beginning of our
marriage, and even talked about adoption at one point. But everything was so
expensive, not guaranteed, and after a few failed attempts at IVF, we knew that
this was not what God wanted for us.
Looking back, I’m ashamed at how I felt during those times.
I should have used those moments to spend more time with God and share with Him
my desires, my hopes and dreams for our family.
Instead, I shut myself off, and
did my best to get through the day.
It seemed every year was the same, a lunch or dinner with
family, and then we’d come home and work in our flower gardens, and plant our
vegetables. So many times while Kevin was working in the vegetables, I would be
mulching our flower beds, trying to keep my mind far from what my heart was
feeling.
Yesterday, while in Columbus, I met a young woman, an African
American young woman who talked to me about our journey to Emmarie. She asked
the meaning of her name, and how we came to adoption. At the end of our
conversation, she very meaningfully said to me, I hope you have a very happy,
very first, Mother’s Day!
And in that moment, I found myself looking back over the
last few years of my life when I really began to struggle with this time of the
year, and I felt nothing but happiness and gratitude for where I am in my life.
The same God that I fought, and screamed out to in anger, is
the same God who so graciously called us to adoption. The same God who I cried
out to in the wait of our adoption, is the same God who so graciously gave us Emmarie, and her
birth mother “C”.
I now think to all the other women out there like me, who - face
infertility, who have lost babies, those who have chose an adoption plan for
their own, who also struggle with this time of the year.
During those dark
times, I was not alone. There were others feeling those same feelings that I
had. They also dreaded the day.
If I could go back and talk to a younger me, I would assure
her that God knows every fear, every tear, every worry, and every desire. That
even though I felt alone, He was right there all along. All those years, he was
perfecting our story. He was working in ways we had no idea He was. I would
tell younger me, to just be still, to be patient, and to wait. I would tell her
that something great was on the horizon.
So, if you find yourself in this place, struggling to face
the day; not just Mother’s Day – but maybe Father’s Day, or another Birthday
alone – know that he knows every fear, every tear, every worry, and every
desire. Even though you feel alone, He’s right there with you. He is perfecting
your story. He is working in ways that you have no idea He is. Be still, be
patient and wait. Something great is on the horizon.
Love,
Amber
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