Daddy.

A few days ago, Kevin came to me, and he said, “Babe, do you know what it does to my heart when Emmarie goes through the house searching high and low for me, saying ‘da-da’.” Tears began to stream down his face, and I said, “yes dear, I know what it does to your heart- because it does the same thing to mine.” He said, “I have so much I want to say about being a dad, to not only Emmarie but Harlee and Sydnie. Do you think that you could write something from what you think it would be from my point of view?”

Emmarie came running in the bedroom right after that conversation, and I never said yes or no that I could or would do that. But I’ve thought a lot about it over the past few days. Kevin never asks much of me. He is such a great helpmate; he does more than his share, and so I wanted to do this for him.

Being a dad- from my perspective, for him…

Sometimes we paint this picture of what our lives will look like. We fall in love, we dream of the future. We have families and jobs and we think we know how it all ends up. But that's not how it always tends to go. People who find themselves knee deep in drugs and alcoholism, I'm sure they didn't imagine their lives being that way. I know I didn't. Partying is all I knew. Drinking and drugs, it was just a part of my everyday life.

Get up, drink before work. Take my girls to the sitter or to school. Drive to work. Drunk. Leave work. Get drunk. Do drugs- and pass out for the night. Get up the next day, repeat.

I didn't plan on being a bad person. I didn't intentionally hurt others. It just happened. I let it. I didn't want to lose everything. My marriage, my house, my possessions, my daughters. But I did. I let it. I was so consumed with what I thought I needed that I missed out on so much.

Life was so different then.

I wasn't the man I am today.

I consciously made a decision to change my life before I lost it. I turned from a life I once knew, to become a better me.

I'm not who I once was.

Every decision I made then, led me to where I am today; even the bad ones. I can't change the things I messed up. I can't go back and be present in my daughters' lives- where I was absent. I've asked for forgiveness and all I can do is move forth and be better, and do better.

I am a blessed man.

I’m a daddy to three beautiful daughters, Harlee, Sydnie and Emmarie. I’m Pawpaw to Isaac, Oliver and Mavis.

I want to be everything that they each need me to be. I don’t want them looking back at the man I once was; I want them to see me now. To see me for who I am today.

Yeah, I had a rough start but I'm determined to end well.

Life is a funny thing. I never in a million years could of dreamed that I'd be where I am today, and have the blessings that I do. Married for almost 14 years. Sober and clean for almost 16. Restored relationships with my daughters Harlee and Sydnie and new daddy to our sweet Emmarie.

I think of this most when Emmarie toddles through house saying da-da...da-da...da-da. And how she lights up with joy when she sees me. I missed that with my older girls. And I hate that. I wish it was different. But the choices I made, I can't change. I just want them to know that I love them. I've always loved them. And I'm always here for them. I'm thankful for this second chance. God's ways are greater than ours. And I can’t imagine missing out on all of this. I'm so glad I don't have to imagine that, because this- this is my life.

And I just want to say, thank you Lord.