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Who I saw when I looked at Her.

I found myself staring at her; taking in her every detail. Her sweet face, those beautiful eyes, her hands and just how big they're getting, her hair, that smile.

I find myself doing that more and more these days.

But this time was different.

As I looked at her right then- it took me back to when we first met her birth mom. During those moments of savoring every detail, I saw past Emmarie; I saw her birth mom.

So many days my heart aches with the desire to know her more; to truly be friends. To meet up for lunch, or coffee- to have a play date at the park, where Emmarie and her birth siblings play, while we sit and chat and watch them explore, and have fun together.

How differently these thoughts are now that Emmarie is in our lives.

Before Emmarie, we were scared of open adoption.
We were fearful of knowing her.
Would she try to take her away from us?
Would she want to know too much?
Would we hear from her every day?
Would that communication/relationship interfere with us being Emmarie's parents?

And now; I want her to ask all the questions. I want to hear from her every day. I would love for us to meet up and get together regularly. To facetime, or talk on the phone.

But I also imagine that it must be hard for her. I wonder if every time we talk, does it rekindle those feelings of loss, and hurt, and doubt? Because I don't want it to. I want our relationship and openness to be healing for her.

I long to hear from her more- but does she just long to have space?

Does she want to know more, but is scared to ask?

I know she is busy with her life, and her family- taking care of three small children- alone, is hard. Working to support herself, and three little ones, it's a lot.

God has put a burden on my heart for her.

And all I can do is just lift her up to Him, and pray that she know, deep down in her heart that we are here for her. That we are thankful for her. Because of her, I am a mama. Because of her choice, she gave us the most greatest blessing ever.

Being Emmarie's mama really is more than I could ever dream. Loving a child who is not biologically yours is not hard. There's nothing hard about it, actually. I believe from the very moment we made our decision to adopt, that God began birthing a love for her deep down in our hearts. What we feel for her is far more than I could ever explain. When I look at her face, I see all of God's grace.

So many times we are told, "Emmarie is so lucky to have you guys." And really, it's not about luck at all.

It's all about God's perfect plan.

You see, He knew that she would be placed on this earth. He knew that Emmarie's birthmom would need us, and that we would need her. And He knew that Emmarie would need all three of us, Kevin (da-da), me (mama), and mama C. All of us together.

Will you please pray for mama C?

We still keep in contact with her several times a month- and she's doing well; but a little extra prayer never hurt.




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